Ugh. I’ve had SUCH bad luck when friends set me up. My friend right now is trying to set me up with her brother. She showed him pictures of me from my Facebook and I guess he’s interested and wants to meet me. But she showed me pictures and I just don’t know if I’m interested. I don’t know much about him and I take a while to warm up to people. But I’m willing to meet him.. I don’t know. I just tend to have issues with anyone friends choose for me. I had my best friend make a profile on OkC to look for people for me, and then obviously she’d send me a link to their page and I’d message them and everything.. But everyone she picked just wasn’t someone I was interested in. They seemed nice and attractive, but weren’t looking for what I was looking for. It’s hard to pick someone for someone else. It’s why matchmakers make so much money. They’ve perfected it. And it couldn’t have been easy.
But you’re far from hopeless. You’re wrong about all women wanting someone controlling or manipulative, but successful, maybe you’re a little right about. But guys (most) also want someone successful. For a long time I dated someone I had to take care of, I paid for everything, but I was unemployed, he was not. So it was really backwards. I mean, I paid for our dinner on my birthday! So yeah, I’m looking for someone successful, But it isn’t that simple. I’m looking for someone capable of being successful. Right now? Not a big deal. We’re young, no one has their shit together. But if you have no drive, no job, and are living off your parents? Then no, I’m not interested. And if I was doing that, I wouldn’t expect anyone to be interested in me. I want someone who can take care of themselves. And I would want to be with someone who would want the same. I don’t need a guy to take care of me. I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a guy who can take care of himself. Who knows how to get shit done. Who is ambitious and trying to make himself a better person. I don’t care if you make so much money, and have this much power at your job.. I just want someone who is working to do good for themselves.
I certainly don’t want someone controlling or manipulative.. My previous dating history may tell a different story, but I didn’t know they were that way to begin with. Sometimes that type of behavior comes on years into the relationship, when it’s harder to leave because you’ve grown to love them for who they are as they are. But no one enters a relationship asking to be manipulated or controlled, unless it’s a role-playing type thing. No judgement, you do you. But someone who is going to control and manipulate me? No thank you. Yes, I’ve ended up in those relationships, but that’s not what I wanted.
I get how it seems like that sometimes, but it just isn’t true. I can easily say “it seems like all guys are looking for someone stick thin, who doesn’t eat, can’t hold a conversation, and does nothing more than sit there and look pretty.” But that simply isn’t true. There’s plenty of guys attracted to me.. While I am thin, I eat, trust me I eat, and I can hold a conversation about pretty much anything. And I certainly don’t just sit around looking pretty. You just have to find the person who finds you attractive. Yes you with the large mouth. Yes, you with the man hands. Yes, you with the receding hairline. Yes, you with the big ears. Yes, you with whatever it is you’re insecure about. There’s someone who loves that. There’s someone who looks past that. There’s someone who doesn’t even notice that. They’re out there. You just have to look.
Like I’ve previously said, the sooner you get those thoughts out of your head and accept the fact that women, like men, and everyone else, are completely 100% allowed to be attracted to whomever they please. If that means I want to date a six-foot tall basketball player with blue eyes, blonde hair, and a face like Ben Stiller, I am more than fucking welcome to be attracted to that person. (For the record, that is not what I’m looking for..) If you want to date a girl with hazel eyes, red hair, who is about 5’7, and works at a hospital with children, then go right ahead and be attracted to her. If you want someone with tits the size of your head, and can’t hold a conversation to save her life but is FANTASTIC at playing the clarinet? YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD. But leave me the fuck alone when I want to be attracted to that lifeguard over there with the amazing abs. You and I, and everyone else in the world has the right to love, be attracted to, fuck, whatever.. Whomever.. Whenever. (consensual, of course) They damn well please. The sooner you realize that, the sooner \ you accept that, the sooner you’ll find the person for you. But the way you are now? Blaming women for what happens to them, and judging them on who they’re attracted to, and being butthurt because that isn’t you? That isn’t going to find you your soulmate/fuckbuddy/best friend whatever you’re currently looking for. Because that person probably isn’t going to want someone who doesn’t respect their right to choose who they date.
As for your neighbors who are younger and I’m assuming happily in love. Maybe you need to realize that you find your soulmate when you’re meant to find them. They’re getting there as fast as they can. My neighbor was married when she was young. Ended up getting divorced or widowed, I assume.. And got remarried to another widow/divorcee when they were 76 and 72 years old. And they lived very happily together until he passed away a couple of years ago. She met her soulmate when she was 76 years old. She had an amazing life until that point, she was in love and had some amazing children with her 1st husband. But her soulmate, she met him when she was 76. My grandparents got married when my grandma was 24. She met her soulmate when she was 23 years old. And they lived happily ever after. My great grandma, she met my great grandpa when she was young. He died. She got remarried to an asshole, divorced him, and then married her soulmate, the man I’m named after, when she was in her 60s. You meet them when you’re ready, when they’re ready, when you both are ready, together, to have the life together that you both should have. You can’t speed that process up. You can’t make your soulmate ready for that. You may have already met her. But she might not be your soulmate yet. Maybe she has some growing to do. Maybe you have some growing to do before you deserve her. How awful would that be if you met your soulmate too soon, tried to force the relationship and you screwed it up because you weren’t the right person for them yet, and you lost that chance forever? That’s why you’re always supposed to work to better yourself. Because if you haven’t met your soulmate yet, then maybe that’s a sign that you need to work on yourself more. So that when you DO meet them, you’ll be the right person for them, right then.
Thanks for the submission.
Aaaaand I’m confused.
I have eyebrows. Two of them, just so you guys know. I don’t have a uni-brow. WHAT IF I DID, WOULD THAT BE OKAY?! Because they said eyebrows.. Plural. What if I only have one? Would that be okay? Should I shave them off? What about people who shave them off and then draw them on? Is that what they’re looking for.. Or do they legit want someone who just doesn’t have any. Period. No eyebrows at all.
I grow eyebrows. What if I shaved them off.. But like, I’m still capable of growing them? Is that considered “having eyebrows” even if I shave them off?
THESE QUESTIONS NEED ANSWERS.
A lot of people answer things like that. Like, personally, I don’t smoke. But I would date someone who does so I marked it with yes. Me being willing to date a smoker is an unacceptable answer for some people. I think it’s weird and people mark them as mandatory? That’s weird. Like.. why dues it matter to you if I would date someone who smokes? You not wanting to date me because I smoke- perfectly acceptable. But what I am and am not willing to accept in a relationship really shouldn’t concern you at all. I agree it’s weird and it’s flawed because people get their importance levels totally askew. But that’s kind of how it is. But I’m totally with you. Some people’s importance on certain questions is really weird. Like, you’re trying to control who im willing to date… Before you even know me? That’s controlling on a completely different level.
First, a little introduction. I’m a 40+ year old male divorcee, so my experiences differ quite a bit from yours on the online dating sites. However, since you asked for varying opinions on the sites I thought I’d offer mine…
OkCupid: Easily the best of the “free” sites that I have encountered. The women I have encountered and dated through there have actually been quite promising. I like the series of questions (regardless of the absurdity of some of them) that the match percentage is based upon. It allows me to get an idea of compatibility and lets me rule out bigots and materialistic women before I decide to make first contact. When I’ve had women make first contact, the notes that I have received have all been well thought out and showed interest. I am currently dating a very nice woman from OkCupid.
POF: Not quite bottom of the barrel, but definitely starting the dregs. My profile on POF is cut and paste from OkC. I get quite a few introductory messages, but 90% are “Hey, what’s up?” or similarly worded variations and textual spellings of such. I’ve been chastised for not answering on there, not answering fast enough, and actually had very explicit messages that shocked me. I’ve been on 2-3 dates from that site, but none lasting beyond a first date. I’ve even had a 57 year old married woman tell me she was 42, lure me into a date, demand sex, and then act incredulous when I told her no. POF has some women that I found interesting, but most women on there get so many inappropriate messages that when they get a nice one, they are suspicious and doubting.
eHarmony: Disclaimer: I am a paying member of eHarmony. I really don’t care for the site, and I really dislike the hand-holding message system. Most of my matches are too far away, or I don’t find interesting. I have started conversations with several women on there, only to have them stop suddenly. I have dated 2 women from eHarmony, one who fell in love with me on the second date and became a drama queen the minute I didn’t reciprocate. Scary drama. I finally had to lose my temper to stop her from pursuing me. The second was a barfly, who demanded that I pay for everything since I was pursuing her. I won’t be renewing my subscription.
Match: I was a subscriber for a six month period, but only talked to one woman on there and we had a very nice relationship for 5-6 months. Not that I didn’t try to talk to many women on there, but I just could get any replies. Probably because you have to pay to reply. I didn’t really care for Match. I deleted my profile, and haven’t looked back.
I’ve tried a few others, DateHookup, (absolute bottom), How About We… (man, they really want my money), Zoosk, (my 78 year old mother saw me sign up for this on Facebook, signed up, too, and I promptly deleted it. Also demanding of money.)
I’ve mostly had the same experience you have with all of the different dating sites. I think a big part of someone’s success with each site depends on personality.
With OkCupid, it’s totally free (and I think it’s the best free dating site out there), but you do have to weed through some losers/people who are just terrible matches, and know how to “work the system” so you keep getting visitors. It’s good for people who like to do their own thing/control their own destinies. You can message whomever you want, and people have the option to give you a lot of information (through pictures, profile, demographics, and match questions). It lets you search for basically any type of person you’re into: a Hispanic Catholic guy taller than 5’8” with no kids, who lives within 10 miles of you and has been online in the last week? If he’s out there, you can find him.
On eHarmony, you don’t get to browse through profiles, they just match you up with like 3 people/day who THEY think you’d match with. I paid for 6 months, and during that time, it kept matching me up with people who were SO far away (when I specified that I wanted someone local). I think there are also a lot of empty profiles/people who sign up during “free communication weekends” and then never touch it again. Also, the profile takes hours to fill out (all of the screening questions, etc. - I know people who’ve gone through all of the questions and been told that there are no matches for them). I wouldn’t recommend it.
I have a couple of friends on Match, but they don’t seem to be having much luck. They’re beautiful, incredibly intelligent and successful women, but have only gone on a couple of dates. People there seem more “serious” about dating, but from the messages they’ve shown me, that basically just means that they have more people proposing marriage in a first message rather than suggesting a hook up.
I was on ChristianMingle for like…12 hours. It was awful. There’s not really a profile browsing/messaging option (or there wasn’t a few years ago when I was on there) - it’s more of a place to browse forums and get to know people that way, I think. I ended up on a forum where a bunch of guys were talking about how they wouldn’t ALLOW their wives to wear high heels because it’s not good for them. I was so incredibly creeped out that I told them all off and immediately deactivated my profile (and this was before my super-feminist days, so I can only imagine I’d be even more appalled now).
Hope this helps, and happy hunting!
I hear it all the time, too.
Why don’t you just say what you mean?
"You’re a great person, but not great enough for me."
I’ve been meaning to make a post about this actually, so I guess since I’ve got time I’ll write up what I’ve got.
I’m currently only on OkCupid and POF but I do know a bit about some others.. And any followers who would like to add to this PLEASE SUBMIT OR SEND ASKS because I’d love love love more information to put out there for people who are trying to find whats best for them!
OkCupid: I’ve been on it on and off for a couple of years. Had one really great relationship come from it and countless friendships. It’s my personal favorite. I’d say your best bet would be to add enough to your profile that it’s filled out, but not with the entire script of MacBeth or something. Don’t make it something it’s going to take an hour to read through and digest, because no one will read it. You want a decent amount, so people can get a feel for you, but don’t bore them to shit. And with messages, you have to stand out. Don’t be a nut or anything, but say something that could start an actual conversation. Don’t fucking ask where they moved from, because I can guarantee they’ve been asked that 10 times today at least.
POF: Not my favorite by any means, but it’s free. I’ve been on it on and off for a while as well. I met one person off of it? I think? I don’t even.. Yes. I met one person from there. I talked to a lot of people, but I only met that one in person. He went on to be kind of a douche after a while for apparently no reason and then fell off the face of the earth.. So that was weird. You get more sexual based messages there, or at least you always used to. Now at least 90% of them are “Hey, what’s up?”. You don’t get message previews, either.. So you have to actually open all of them which kind of sucks if you get a lot.
How About We…: I still have a profile on here but I haven’t used it in sooo long. I don’t remember the password and am pretty sure I deleted all the photos. It was free when I started using it but now they charge you to see messages/date acceptions. Basically the premise is, you post somewhat of a “status” of a date idea you have.. People who would like to do that with you will message you kind of an “I accept this date” sort of thing, I guess.. And then you can decide to go or not. I didn’t meet anyone there. When I was using it there weren’t a lot of people in my area, and I’m pretty sure there still aren’t.. So yeah. I don’t know much about it but I didn’t like it when I used it. It’s less about talking to people and more about getting straight to the meeting them. The profiles have random questions for you to answer on them, but are more random trivia than a “profile” per se.
Tinder: I haven’t used. I refused to use. And probably will never use. I’ve heard it’s a LOT like OkCupid Locals, you see a picture and a few of their likes/dislikes and then you swipe right/left if you like them or not.. You can message on their and I think it texts straight to your phone? Not sure. It’s very hook-up based, so it’s completely not what I’m looking for, so I don’t use it.
Match: Okay, I haven’t used Match but my old boss, who was a cunt and fired me for no fucking reason did. She met a guy there that she dated for a little while. I met him when I applied for that job and he was super nice. His son was adorable.. But I guess he had lost his wife to disease and was really messed up from it. I mean, full on altar of her things/pictures and stuff in their old bedroom.. And the entire house was all her things and stuff and he called my boss her name once or twice.. It just became too much for her. She said he was a really great guy, but she kept having weird dreams in the house that she was trying to kill her and she’d just have this weird feeling like someone was watching her.. So she sensed that his deceased wife wasn’t okay with his moving on.. It just became too much so they parted ways. I guess he raised their son for the past couple years on his own and the son doesn’t remember his mom so all of the stuff really freaks him out and it was just weird. She talked to me about it and was really uncomfortable about it. Other than him, most of the people she talked to were trying to get her to “come watch a movie” at his place. She’d say no because she likes to meet people on neutral ground for the first time (as do I) and a couple of them got really defensive and rude about it. Kind of upsetting for a pay site. But yeah. That’s all I really know. One very not over his wife guy and a bunch of possible serial killers/guys who want to lure you to their place for some reason.
eHarmony: Pay for use, I haven’t tried it. But apparently people who aren’t religious/have some.. I guess “baggage” type things or suffer from depression/anxiety type problems aren’t welcome there.. So I wont ever be trying that. Sorry my anxious tendencies are too much for you assholes.
I don’t know anything about Zoosk other than that I think you can link it with Facebook.. Actually a lot can be linked or used through Facebook if you’re so inclined.
Other than that I know of a few others that are like.. Specifically for Farmers, Rich people, Christians, Atheists, Jewish folk, other Religious type sites, Animal Lovers, Fetishes… That kind of thing. But as for “everyone” type sites, that’s all I’ve got that I know about.
If anyone would like to chime in, please send a submission or ask! I want to post a lot about this to help out everyone.. Including myself. If you guys know of a site I or someone else should try, PLEASE tell me about it. :]
I mean, you didn’t have to say you didn’t care about his motorcycle.. You could have just like.. switched the conversation to something else.. He would have gotten the hint. But I agree, telling you to suck a dick seems a bit aggressive from what you’ve told me. Although, he’s over your age limit and should have seen it coming..
My verdict: He’s wrong.
First off, I just wanna say that I love this blog.
Now… I’d like to share a story here that actually restored some of my faith in finding a decent guy online. But first, a little back story!
I’m not a skinny girl by any meaning of the word. A few years ago I got sick and ended up gaining a lot of weight really quickly and due to the nature of the illness, it’s become extremely hard to get back to my original size. Regardless, I have a very active lifestyle. Since then I have had some very poor dating experiences, online and offline. Everything from men you fetishize fat to absolute concern trolls to men who feel that because I’m a size 16 that I must be totally grateful for their attention…
About a month ago, out of sheer boredom I decided to give online dating another shot. I wasn’t expecting much.. But I was totally taken off guard by one guy. He actually read my profile and inquired about my interests and hobbies. We talked for a while on there, then switched to texting, added each other on Facebook.. And now we talk on the phone almost every night.
He lives in a city a few hours away so we haven’t met in person just yet… and it’s something I was incredibly nervous about. Due to some past experiences I have a disclaimer that I give before going to meet a guy who hasn’t seen me before… One night talking on the phone, while discussing what to do when we meet up (finally getting to meet up next week), I say “I just want to give you a heads up… because I don’t want you to feel like I’ve deceived you or anything… I’m a bigger girl. In my profile I only had photos of my face and, while I have full body photos on Facebook I don’t know if you’ve seen them at all so… I’m just putting this out there cause I don’t want either of us to waste any ones time.” He went silent for a moment which made me super nervous… but then responded almost angrily with “You know I really couldn’t give a f*ck, right? I mean how shallow do you thi- … wait… You actually felt you had to give a disclaimer before we met…?” I gave him a little back story to my reason and in absolute shock he just says “Are there really that many assholes out there? Seriously?”
We both ended up laughing it off. So far he seems to be a really down to earth, funny, charming, patient and understanding guy. I can’t wait to meet him in person next week.
Awe!!!! I love this guy already. Thank you for submitting! I hope everything goes fantastic for you guys. I want to hear all about it after you meet him! Good luck!!!!!!!! I’m so excited for youuuuuuu.
I’m posting this from the bathroom.
Some guy just asked me my favorite drink…
So I asked him his favorite vegetable.
This is obviously going somewhere. This conversation is so exciting. We’re obviously soulmates.
I’m not drunk enough for this shit.
I got a message sent to me in the form of a few asks. Instead of posting them individually as asks, I’m putting them together since it’s easier to read this way:
"i am always weary of guys who refer to women as females and talk about women as if they are a monolith. your last "anonymous" sounds like a fedora wearing "nice guy" who would complain about the "friendzone. its funny because this group of guys tend to be hypocritical in that they dont go for all women but only certain women. confession here-i am a geek girl who used to be turned down by a lot of geeky guys. they told me its because i am not a hot girl and funnily, because i was too geeky, but you dont see me saying i have been "friendzoned". big double standard there. its amazing that this group of guys feel the universe owes them a super hot girlfriend but according to them some of us girls who dont measure up to this attractive standard dont deserve any partners. you were too nice to that anon "nick" aka matt, what he needs to learn is that its not his place to tell others what to do with their bodies or who they should/shouldnt have relationships with. to matt: there is a reason women avoid men like you, believe me your looks are the least of your problems!"
I really have nothing to add that hasn’t already been said in other posts. So thank you, person who sent this. It isn’t that women are shitty. It’s that some people are shitty. Regardless of sexual identification. Men are shitty, women are shitty… But only if you’re into blaming others for their lack of interest. I’m not. If someones not interested, that’s them. They have their reasons. Maybe I’m not what they’re attracted too. Maybe I’m too thin. Maybe I’m too fat. Maybe I’m too pale, too tan, too short, too tall, too outspoken. That’s up to them. But there’s someone out there who will love my short-ness, tall-ness, thin-ness, chubbiness, pale-ness, tan-ness, whatever-ness. And I’d much rather have them than someone who has to “put up” with my characteristics/quirks that they’re not fond of.
I don’t know how to answer this.. I don’t really think that’s how someone becomes gay. People joke about it like “I should just be a lesbian, I’m done with guys.” But I’ve never seen anyone actually do it. That’s kind of something you’re born to be, not something that just happens because if some fuckhead. I mean, maybe some guy fucked the lady over which prompted her to try dating women and she stuck with it.. But I believe that was meant to happen.. It just took her life experiences to make her realize it.
You also have no proof that guys don’t do that exact same thing. I know plenty of guys who grew up dating women who later turned out to be gay. Just because you don’t realize it or come to terms with it until later in life doesn’t mean it was the cause of something that happened to them.
My ex dated girls his whole life up until a few years after we broke up. Then he told me he thought he might be gay. We talked. He was confused. He didn’t know what he was feeling. He ended up having a crush on this guy at his school. It didn’t go anywhere and he’s now dating a fantastic woman who I’m pretty sure he’s planning on marrying. Had nothing to do with anyone screwing him over as far as I know. It was something he felt. Something he was meant to feel. For whatever reason.
I had feelings for a girl I went to school with. I was dating someone at the time and she was my best friend. We held hands walking in the hallways. People would always ask if we were gay and we’d be like.. No, but so what if we are? I loved the fuck out of her. We never dated it. It had nothing to do with being screwed over, and we all know I have been. It was something I felt, that’s now over. I stand by the fact that she’s the only woman I’d ever have feelings for. She’s someone I was meant to meet and have a strong connection with. Now it’s over and she’s got two (?) kids and a fiancee, and I date strictly men.
I’m sure there are some women who randomly decide to date women after a man screws them over. Maybe they’re looking for some fun.. Maybe it turns into something.. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe they’re trying to piss off their parents or ex? It really doesn’t matter. It’s none of your damn business either way so you really should stop judging people based on how they discover and come to terms with their homosexuality. Because at the end of the day, it’s their life, and they’re doing what they need for their own happiness. So you can either cheer them on, or leave them the fuck alone.